Communication is key to almost every aspect of life, but especially in marriage.
Here’s a list of the tips that work for us. Spend more time talking to each other than any other one person in your life. Talk about big and small things. Be more positive than negative. Think carefully about the timing of what you’re going to say. Tell the truth even when it hurts, but don’t be mean about it. Listen without always being defensive.
That first idea is kind of extreme. Effective communication isn’t always easy. Let’s look at some of these a little closer.
Good Communication Starts with, “I Choose You.”
Notice in that bolded paragraph where I said talk more “to each other than any other one person in your life.”
Now, I know that’s easier said than done.
Work can definitely make that difficult depending on your profession and your schedules.
But what I mean here is that when we got married, we made a conscious decision to make each other our go-to person in life.
That means that if I have big news or if something funny or terrible or wonderful happens, Derek is the first person I want to tell.
When I have major life decisions to make, I might talk to my parents or closest friends, but I’m definitely talking to my husband and he does the same.
If there’s an emergency, unless I’m calling 9-1-1, my first call will be to Derek.
Effective communication in marriage starts with a daily, focused choice to put your spouse first, ahead of children or other family members, or friends.
For us as Christians, our relational order looks like this….
| 1st | God |
| 2nd | Spouse |
| 3rd | Kids |
| 4th | Others |
For me, the order of this was hardest when our children were born. I wrote more about that in another post. You can read about it here if you’d like.
Talk Until You’re Blue in the Face.
Please tell me that’s a common expression? I don’t mean talk their ear off, haha.
I mean that the habit of conversation should be your norm, not your exception.
A quick glance around the web will tell you that most couples talk for about 20 minutes per week.
Y’all.
Unless he’s in Mogadishu with Doctors Without Borders for a month, you should be talking to your spouse waaaay more than 20 minutes a week!
Talk about things both big and small…from the amount of the electric bill to the coworker who’s driving you crazy to the pretty flower that’s blooming to the funny thing that happened at the gym this morning.
All of this talking requires a really precious thing. Time.
All jokes aside, finding time can be difficult.
But that’s the wrong way to approach it.
You’re not finding time. You’re making it.
If marriage and your spouse are truly important to you, you will have regular conversations with each other. No excuses.
It’s not like you have to sit down and say, OK, for the next 13 minutes, we will engage in small talk. 😀
You’re talking as you’re doing life. That’s doable.
One more thing about talking….Don’t be a Negative Nelly. Here we go again with the clichés!
I’m preaching to the choir with this one. I remember years ago Derek telling me that I was being so negative. For once in my life (more on that later), I really listened and thought about what he said.
He was right.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not all sunshine and rainbows. But I have worked on this.
And it has made a positive difference in our marriage.
Pick Your Battles.
Now that’s a saying I’ve heard a lot in parenting and in teaching.
{It’s true in marriage, too.}
When people think about communication in marriage, they often are really thinking about arguments or disagreements.
In our marriage, there have been many times when we just agreed to disagree. And then changed the subject.
But Mary, you just said we should talk talk talk!
Yes, but you don’t have to argue argue argue.
Some subjects just don’t matter. Or, they matter but they’re not fundamental to who we are or to our relationship.
Those are things you can just drop.
Letting things go is easier said than done, and we’re not perfect at it either. But we are learning.
And we both know that we are in this for the long run, so our commitment over-rides disagreements like this.
Sometimes, the battle needs to be fought, so to speak. In this case, …
- Choose your timing well. Don’t jump down his throat the minute he walks in the door.
- Fight fairly.
- Stay focused on the pressing matter.
- “Always” and “never” are rarely true, so avoid those words when you’re disagreeing.
- Don’t say things you’ll regret. Know in your mind ahead of time where you will and won’t go if your emotions go awry.
And don’t start a deep conversation or subject you’ll likely disagree about…just as you’re going to bed. Losing sleep is not good for anyone.
And it definitely does nothing good for your marriage.
You have two ears and one mouth. So you should listen twice as much as you talk.
The other expressions I’ve used in this post might be trite, but this is one I love and completely believe in.
I have repeated it to myself many, many times.
Good communication requires that you actually listen to your spouse. Don’t just wait for him to stop talking so that you can have a turn.
I think that’s Communication 101, Day 1.
But here’s a level 201 idea: Accept criticism without being defensive.
When I master this one, I’ll let you know.
But even though I’m still in the learning phase of this, I know that it’s important in a successful marriage.
I’m just a slow learner on this particular skill.
When your partner opens up to you about something you need to work on, the surest way to shut down the line of communication is to go on the defensive.
I’m not advocating a wilting flower stance here. I’m just saying that if your spouse is lovingly telling you how he feels, then you owe it to him to actually give it some thought.
And maybe, okay definitely, put some prayer into whether it’s something you need to improve.
There you have it. Communicataion in marriage, summarized in 1000 words.
I wish you and your spouse all the best!