Keeping your marriage fresh and new is not always easy. Here’s what works for us!
#10 Laugh Together Every Day
I love to be serious.
That sounds so strange. But it’s true.
I enjoy serious study, serious analyzing, serious reflecting, serious editing, and serious writing…..I’m a real nerd.
So, I have to remember to do this with my husband because I don’t “miss it” if it doesn’t happen every day.
But he does.
And we’ve all heard of the studies that tell us that daily laughter is good for the soul. So, what better person to laugh with than your spouse?
If you’re not already, look for ways that you can laugh together each day.
Here are some ideas:
- Memes. Find a new meme to send each other every day. There’s an endless supply of them it seems, so you don’t have to worry about running out.
- Find a Youtube channel or channels that you watch one or two funny videos a day together.
- Save funny videos from other social media and watch some together.
- Watch one episode of a sitcom together. They’re only 22 minutes long usually, so it’s not a huge amount of time. We love Andy Griffith.
- We’re not so big on jokes or old school comic strips, but if you are, then go for it!
Notice the key is that you’re doing it together, and you’re choosing to share it with your bestie (AKA, husband/wife) first.
#9 Have a Date Every Week
Derek and I dated throughout high school and got married after four and a half years, right after my first year of college.
If we had gone more than a week without a date during that time, I would have known that something was definitely wrong.
We wanted to be together, so we made it a priority.
Some of you know all too well what it’s like to not go on dates with your boyfriend/girlfriend if you’ve had to endure a long-distance relationship or if work or family events took you out of town for an extended period of time.
For most of us, though, we realize that if we aren’t actively planning and spending time with our boyfriend/girlfriend during the dating stage, then something’s off.
To keep marriage fresh, you have to fiercely guard against getting so used to regularly seeing and being around your spouse that you take them for granted.
Boy that sounds serious!
Well, it is.
Having a date makes you stop and think about what you can do to make your relationship stronger.
A word about dates….
Don’t get hung up on the word “date.”
It doesn’t mean you have to have dinner and a movie and spend $100 on your night out.
It doesn’t even mean you have to go out.
It means that you’re setting aside a part of a day, usually evening, just for the two of you.
Most people hear the word “date” and think: money.
If that’s an issue for you, then you have to be creative just like I have been and just like thousands of others are being right now.
A date can be cheap or free and if you don’t feel creative, keep reading for tons of ideas.
When our kids were younger, we had coffee dates in our own living room, front porch, or back deck. The kids knew that coffee time was Mama and Daddy’s conversation time…and not to interrupt if it wasn’t necessary (letting them watch a movie or tv show while we did this also helped since we were screen-time nazis, lol).
#8 Plan An “Alone Together” Break 2-3 Times Per Year
What I mean by this is actually taking a weekend (more, if you can manage it) for just the two of you.
This might mean going on a trip or it might mean staying in (and sending the kids away, lol).
It will probably take some amount of money, but it doesn’t have to be a lot.
Grandparents, aunts and uncles are ideal potential babysitters, obviously.
A great idea I’ve heard of couples doing is to babysit for close friends for a weekend and then have them do the same for you another weekend.
Parents of littles, I can hear you now: I can’t get one evening alone, how am I supposed to get a whole weekend?!
It’s not always easy!
But your marriage is important, so please make the effort.
We had several weekend getaways planned that didn’t work out.
Once, a hurricane closed the b&b where we had reservations. Other times, a child was sick or work duties came up.
And that was really disappointing to me.
But I will admit that just knowing that we had planned something special made a big difference in our marriage.
We were trying, even if “life” seemed to conspire against us.
#7 Speak His Love Language
I’m referring to Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. I wrote about it more, here.
Find out your spouse’s primary and secondary love languages and make it a way of life to express love to your spouse through this “language.”
Here’s an idea for each one.
- Acts of Service
Think of your spouse’s most dreaded household task and either do it for him or have it professionally done.
- Physical Touch
Give him a longer hug than usual when you leave for work today. Take that moment to look into each other’s eyes for just a few seconds longer than you normally would.
- Quality Time
Does your spouse have a hobby or interest that you’ve never really paid attention to? Consider taking an hour or so to have him teach you about it.
For example, if your wife is really into golf but you’ve never played, ask if she’d like to go to the driving range together so she can show you the basics.
{Just be sure to choose something that’s not already their special thing they do with a parent, sibling, child, or friend.}
And get off your phone during this time! I’m the worst in the world about this.
Quality time is undivided time.
Remember that.
- Tangible Gifts
This doesn’t have to be expensive.
It can just be as simple as buying your spouse’s favorite food during a routine grocery run.
Or, maybe he has mentioned wanting to try a certain recipe. Find out the ingredients and buy them just for use in the recipe. If there are any special tools (such as a spiralizer or a basting brush) needed for the recipe, you could even wrap that up to go with it.
- Words of Affirmation
Write a message on a sticky note and leave it somewhere your spouse will find it randomly during the day. Tell your spouse three things (maybe 3 stickies?) that you love about him.
Your ideas don’t have to be so far from the ordinary to be meaningful.
This is just one more opportunity to let your spouse know you love them without actually saying those three little words.
#6 Don’t Make Every Text Message Mundane
There was a time when the texts between Derek and I were 99% grocery lists and kid chauffeuring details.
You know, the kind where you’re saying, “I’m taking Rees to piano and Garrett’s at wrestling practice. Remember to pick up Haley after color guard practice at 6:30. And what are we doing for supper?”
And then you blink and they’re all driving themselves! 😀
Wherever you are in the marriage journey, keep yourself out of the mundane message world.
A little dramatic, there. I just mean make it a point to think about that you’re texting the person you have devoted your entire love life to. That’s a big deal.
So, add in some humor. Emojis are awesome. Maybe you’ll agree on a seemingly innocuous emoji that actually sends your spouse a coded message.
One that’s only meaningful to the two of you.
You know, suddenly texting her an eggplant emoji means that you’re asking her out on a date for Saturday night, or something totally random like that.
Here’s another idea: Choose 3 emojis that describe a surprise you have planned. No words. Just pictures.
Sometimes, you need a little mystery in your relationship. 🙂
#5 Have Your Own Inside Jokes
Something silly that’s just between the two of you.
These can come from all sorts of places, and usually when you least suspect them.
Think back to something funny that happened on your first date. Is there a funny memory that you can reference when something similar comes up in the future?
For us, we went to McDonald’s on our first date (woohoo!), and, long-story-short, our order was wrong but we were too nervous to say anything about it.
Oh, how times have changed!
Now, when something similar happens, we can look at each other and say something about “McDonald’s,” and we just know (well, honestly Derek probably has to remind me sometimes).
{By the way, I’m not suggesting you use inside jokes around other people. That’s just annoying to the others and makes them feel left out. I’m referring to inside jokes during your own private conversations. Cheers!}
Instead, you can have certain signals that only each other knows…these are designed to be used in public!
Lots of couples have a pre-arranged exit signal if they’re going to a party or gathering and they’re worried it’s going to go long, become boring, etc….such as taking off your glasses or scratching your forehead.
But what about having a gesture or something that your spouse will know you’re sending a special message just to him or her when you do it?
I’m not going to go into specifics…you be creative!
Have fun with this.
Maybe you’ll have a single word–that when you use it in regular conversation–sends a camouflaged message to your spouse.
You get the idea. I’d love to hear how these go! Email your funny or interesting experiences to me at mary {at} kennedyfamfive {dot} com!
#4 Touch Each Other When You’re Just Hanging Out
I really struggled with the name of this tip!
All I mean is that if you’re sitting together at dinner, reading, or just watching tv, let yourselves be close enough to touch.
Skin-to-skin contact is great for infants, but guess what?
We’ve found that it’s great for us, too.
Taking the initiative to scoot closer to your spouse sends the message that she’s important, special, and loved.
This might mean holding hands while you watch tv.
But it could also be snuggling.
If you’re anything like me, though, you like your space.
So this doesn’t have to happen 24/7 during the time you’re in the same room together.
If I’m working on my laptop while Derek is reading or watching tv, I find that it helps for us to sit close to each other. It reminds me that this is our time together, even if we are too busy to be solely focused on each other. (Which is most of the time!)
Try this one a couple of times in the next week, and see what happens!
#3 Celebrate Your Anniversary Once A Month
Yes, you read that correctly. Every month.
We did this one for years and years, and we probably should go back to it! {I should take my own advice.}
Except we always celebrated the 30th of each month, because that was our “dating” anniversary.
If you’re really old like we are, you called it “going together” back then. 😀
Every month on the 30th, we’d celebrate in some small way.
It doesn’t have to be big, flashy, or expensive to be special.
But it’s also just one more chance to keep your marriage fresh, new, and exciting.
Here are some ideas for you:
- Send a text message saying, “Hey, it’s our day!”
- Make her favorite food for dinner.
- Massage his hands for a minute while you talk about how long you’ve been together!
- Flowers are a typical anniversary gift (not that I’d ever complain haha), but you could make it special…send her the flower that was in her wedding bouquet. #tulips
- Go for a walk together. Even fifteen minutes of uninterrupted time (by cell phones, especially) can say a lot.
Hopefully these ideas will spark new ones of your own! Think about what would make your spouse feel the most loved.
#2 Give Your Spouse Something That Celebrates You As A Couple
Tangible gifts are not a big part of this list for a couple of reasons.
One reason is that it’s very low on {one of} our order of love languages. As in, last.
So, it doesn’t come naturally.
But the main reason for us is that we have had many years when we just didn’t have the money to buy things for each other…not like we wanted to, anyway.
So we had to be innovative with our gifts.
If you’re in that season, chin up. It won’t always be this way. And I’m not just giving you lip-service. We’ve been there.
OK, so how do we give a gift that celebrates us as a couple?
This is different than a birthday gift.
It definitely takes into consideration your spouse’s preferences, but it’s more than that.
Think of something that represents you, together.
If y’all love to do country/western line dancing, …
| Free | Create a playlist of your favorite dance songs |
| Around $50 | Sign up for a dance class to learn a new style |
| Pricey | Get new pairs of boots for your next night out |
If y’all enjoy cooking, …
| Free | Make a meal you’ve never made before |
| Around $50 | Buy a new gadget (like an instant pot) and learn how to use it together |
| Pricey | Sign up for one of those subscription services so that you can try new meals every week |
Since this is a gift, you might even wrap up the email confirmation so that your spouse recognizes that this is a gift for the two of you.
I hope the examples help you to see that I don’t just mean the gift has to be a product. It might be an experience or a vacation.
And now my best tip for keeping marriage fresh!
#1 Remember who he’s married to!
If you’ve read this far, then you know that a sense of humor is big when it comes to keeping your marriage fresh.
The opposite of a fresh marriage is one that’s heavily me-centered.
If I’m focused on what he’s doing for me, how he’s treating me, and so on…then I’m not in the right headspace.
Reminding myself that he’s married to me keeps my ego in check.
And helps me give him grace when I feel slighted in our relationship.
This doesn’t mean I have a low belief in myself; it just means that I’m realistic in my understanding that I’m not the perfect spouse. Or the better one.
When you’re feeling like your marriage is stale, ask yourself this question: What am I doing to make it feel fresh?
And then strive to do more toward that end. Your marriage is worth it.
Well, there you have it. What works for us when it comes to keeping our marriage fresh after twentysomething years. 🙂